Not enough words...

I have so much to say and not enough words to adequately express the thoughts that I want to get out. I still want to mention things, such as the doctor said I had a really large placenta (most he sees are about 3/4ths the size of mine), and that watching Justus get circumcised was probably one of the most unique experiences I've ever had. I had no idea what the foreskin looked like, let alone how they would take it off......and oh my gosh! now I understand how Dinah's brothers could wipe out all those adult men who had just had it done.....geez!

I want to remember things like how different my two hospital stays were from each other. Everything about my stay with Aloria seemed relaxing...everything about my stay with Justus seemed stessful, because I never knew what was going to happen next (because no one would give me a straight answer as to when I was to be discharged or when he was going to get circumcised...I didn't even know I was going to stay a second night until I asked about it.)

I didn't know how difficult it was going to be to bond with my first child. Aloria seemed like such a stranger to me, and yet she paved the way for my love to travel to Justus. My connection was almost instantaneous. It's like I just knew how to be a mom...I was already a mom, and there was a confidence inside of me when I held Justus that hadn't been developed yet the first time...that had no way of being truly developed. There had to be a first...had to be nervousness...had to ...I had to try ten things with uncertainty to find the one thing that would work. ...and even though that same thing may not work this time, I still remember the other nine. Will they work with Justus? Who knows?! ...but I'm so much calmer this time around!

I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to cope with two kids...especially if they were crying for me at the same time, but I am sooo much more sane then I ever thought I would be. Now, when Aloria cries, I just think to myself, "you're way to old to be crying about that." It doesn't even phase me. ...and when I hear Justus cry, and I'm getting Aloria's lunch or taking her to the bathroom, instead of stressing over what he could want, I think to myself again, "no child ever died of starvation in five minutes...I'll be there in a minute kiddoe."

It's funny. The other day I was looking down at Justus as he slept...completely caught up in his perfect baby features, and thinking how much at the moment he reminded me of Aloria. I then realized that up until that point, when I looked at Aloria that is what I had still been seeing. In my mind's eye, she was still my baby...my perfect little new born who would always need me...who I would protect at any cost! Now, at times, she is a stranger to me again. She is a little girl who loves horses, trains, and wearing hats. She's got the cutest tan legs that show all of her scrapes and bruises from having fun outside, she understands most everything I say to her, and I realize just how much she is now capable of doing on her own. She can put on her own underwear and pants...she has mastered putting on her sandals, herself, and is now trying the buckle in her car seat! I have to get to know her all over again. She's so grown up, and sometimes when I go in to check on her at night, I can't help but stare at her while she's sleeping. Sometimes I fight back tears because I finally realize the phrase, "they grow up so fast" is true, and I'm so glad I have been able to stay home with her, or I may have missed it...and she's only had two years! Even still, with this realization, there is the flip side of still not being able to wait for Justus to grow just as fast. I can't wait to see what kind of a person he will become. What are his likes, his dislikes...how will his personality be similar to hers, and how will it be different? I can't wait to talk with him!...and yet for now, it's so warm and familiar to hold him in my arms and just stare... I have a son, and I am full of joy. Thank you Father for the priveledge of taking care of another one of Your creations!